Missing Him

I was sitting in a meeting when suddenly, it hit me. Tears sprang to my eyes, and it felt like someone punched me in the gut. I suddenly missed O more than anything in the whole wide world. I wanted nothing to do than to sprint from the conference room, run out of the building, and go get my boy.

I don’t know what caused the sudden burst of emotion, but mang, it took me by surprise. I’ve been able to rationalize to myself for a long time the reasons O must go to daycare and I need to go to work. I thought I had come to peace with it, as much as I could, anyway.

But lately, it’s been harder, and harder, and HARDER to drop him off in the mornings. Yeah, his clinginess doesn’t help matters, but my boy is growing up, people. He just turned two, and he’s blossoming (can I use that in reference to a boy? How about bulldozing?) into quite an incredible young man. We can hold mini-conversations now, giggle uncontrollably over a case of the hiccups, and pal around like we never could before. Mom and son. Son and mom. Us against the world.

I enjoy my job, and I really like the people I work with, but they don’t hold a candle to my son. And sometimes, I want to spend more than just the weekend conquering the world with my two-year-old. I want to spend every hour, every MINUTE setting up train tracks, reading books, and holding drum and kazoo concerts for our dog and cat.

So when I read tweets, twitters, and blogs about how SAHM moms can’t wait for their children to head back to school? I want to throw things. And it makes me sad.

I understand, I do. I probably feel like I want to spend every waking moment with my son right now, but if I actually had the chance? My tune might change. Or it might not. I’m not sure. But right now? I sure do miss him. And I wish I had endless days and nights to spend with him.

A vacation might just be in order.

16 thoughts on “Missing Him

  1. I hear you, Tela! I was in tears last night as I sat in traffic for nearly two and a half hours because all I wanted was to spend time with my daughter before she went to bed. I have so little time as it is and stupid traffic was robbing me of it.

  2. Offering It Up says:

    HUGS!! I’ve done the working full time, working from home part time, and just staying home (usually between freelance assignments) and they are all hard. I was on a conference call once, sleeping baby in my lap, and I kept thinking how nice it would be to be sitting in that office with a cup of coffee and clothing that was not covered in breast milk and bananas. I later ran into one of the woman on the other end of that call and she said ” We were all sitting in the room jealous of you sitting at home.” The grass is always greener.

    You are doing what you have to do as a mother to support yourself and your son. Don’t beat yourself up. Plan that vacation and soak up every minute of O.

  3. Kris… were you stuck in that mess on 75? UGH! I hate when I’m stuck in traffic or anything that I can’t control stops me from doing what I want. Maybe because I like to be in control at all times…

    Offering… thank you. And yes, grass is always greener, for sure. I think I’m going to start planning that vacation real soon.

  4. Anonymous says:

    wow do I know how you feel. I think about my boy all the time at work (he’s 3.5) and miss him terribly during my workday. My husband just lost his job again, and without my steady income we’d be in big trouble. So I do what I must, but it tears me apart.
    When I feel this way, I one of two things:

    either push it out of my mind, or imagine him all grown up, and proud of his hard-working mom. He knows I love him like crazy, and that will never change.

  5. Tela,
    I totally 100% get the issue from both sides. I work full-time and my baby (who will be 3 in November) will be starting preschool in August. While I miss her terribly when I am at work, I too understand your sentiment about how being at home 24/7 might change my tune a little.
    It is hard, and they do grow up so fast – whether you are home with them or not.

  6. I could have written this post myself. I love my job and my co-workers but I love my son more. I wish I could be there today, he’s sick and daddy is home with him, but all I want to do is run home and take care of him.

    I just feel like I’m missing out on so much sometimes.

  7. Wow – you hit the nail on the head! I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and it has always helped me through the day. My daughter turned 2 last month and it is without a doubt so much harder for me to leave her now than even when she was a baby. Why, for all the reasons you mentioned: the mini-conversations, the laughs over nothing, and the fact that I am still her favorite person in the world. So, it’s nice to “share” a tear with someone going through the same thing.

  8. anon–Sorry to hear about your husband. O’s dad recently lost his job, too, but has luckily found another. Good luck to you.

    Miranda–They do grow up so fast, TOO fast… It sucks!

    Liz–Me too. I am having too many moments where I’m realizing he’s learning things from the caregivers/teachers/kids at school, and not from his mommy!

    Lindsey–Thanks for reading, and I’m glad you can identify. Two really is a great age–despite the rumors!

  9. Working moms do face this sudden stabs of pain and guilt at sometime or the other and I guess we have to accept it as part of our lives. You might find the article at http://outsorcerer.com/blog/?p=47 worth reading

  10. soozieschmoozie says:

    I was a stay at home mom,(grandma now), I loved staying at home, just like you love your out of the home career. I had pangs and teary moments about being at home, just like you have pangs and teary moments about being away from your child. It just proves there are trade offs to every decision in life. Neither staying home, nor working outside the home is the perfect situation. I see my daughter-in-laws working on their careers, while their dear little babies go to daycare, and I know it is difficult. Everyone has a different balance point. The important thing is for all of us to respect eachother.

  11. I’ve had those moments. I’ve been bowled over by that exact emotion. I’ve also been at home and been desperate to get out and talk to an adult, or just wished for the child to take a nap or something so I can have a moment to myself.

    Compartmentalization. My dirty little secret. Being present in the moment, wherever I am: at home with my daughter OR at work with my students. Both are important, so I try to recognize that and not cheat either by wishing to be somewhere else.

  12. I’ve had those moments too, especially in the summer. This may sound weird, but I was so relieved when they started elementary school, because the HAD to be there. It was no longer a choice for me to be sending them there. So for 9 months or so out of the year after they got into school, I was fine with working. It was going to work in the summer when I had to get them up early and send them to a day camp they didn’t necessarily like that I felt really bad. Fortunately, I found a summer camp that they love, and even though I have off two Mondays a month, they still want to go to camp, and I take them. By the way, I have two boys, now ages 12 and 9.

  13. I’m on the 5th day of a 9 day business trip through Europe – I miss my 8 month old horridly and want to pick up every child I see and huge them as a poor substitute for my DS.

    However, my clients seem to think that’s a bad idea which might end me in jail so I watch videos of him on my computer instead.

    I know he’s very well taken care of and while he may miss me I’m sure he’s entertained by my DH and parents – I’m the one who is suffering!

  14. selfmademom says:

    I hope you can make that vacation happen. I must say ever since I quit my job I’ve been so much more appreciative of the time I am able to spend with my son. Yes there are times I want to pull my hair out but they are outweighed by the good. I’d hope to never be the one to complain about the joys of little two year old boys nagging you all day. Good luck.

  15. I wish I could say it’s easier when the kids are older, but it’s not. I went back to work a year ago out of necessity (dh was going to school and we needed the income). My kids are older – 17, 15, and 12. You know what…I still miss them like crazy. I get those pangs and the tears and the emotions, too. I want to be the one home when they get home from school. I want to be the mom that goes to all their activities. I want to be there to mend broken hearts and help with homework.

    But I can’t…and it kills me.

    I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

  16. I too am a working mom who is missing my son. I am supposed to feel lucky that my husband doesn’t work and takes care of my son while I am at work. The truth be told; I don’t feel better.
    I miss my son so much and have been dealing with these emotions since he was born. He is now five and in Kindergarten and I still feel as though I am missing out on memories each day. I have good days, and bad…. today is one of the bad ones. I miss my son so much and have had resentment for my husband not working for the past five years. I am thankful that my husband can be the care giver to JD but I am still jealous that I am the one who goes to work each day.

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