Mommy Stalker

I’m shy. Ask my friends and people I interact with on a daily basis, and they’ll tell you that statement is a bunch of poo. But I assure you, I am. Or I was.

Before I had O, I’d keep to myself in most public settings. You wouldn’t see me chatting it up at the grocery store or trying to make small talk with someone I didn’t know.

All that has changed. I love being a mom so much—and it’s something I know so little about—that I want to talk to all other moms with kids around O’s age and find out all there is to know about their babies. And I want to share any information I might have that could help them. I also want to talk to moms with older kids—to learn what’s to come. You could say I’ve become a little bit of a mommy stalker. But that doesn’t mean I’m good at my new second job—because I kinda suck at small talk, but still I make feeble attempts.

The other day I stalked a mommy in the grocery store. She had a cutie a few months older than O, who was singing in the grocery cart, munching on a granola bar. First, we had a brief exchange about how old her son was, and she told me that the granola bar was the third thing he had eaten since they entered the store. I shared my O’s non-eating ways. After an awkward laugh, we parted ways.

Then I spotted my new mommy friend in the bread aisle! She was reaching for one of the new 1/2 loaves of bread from Klosterman.

I ran up behind her and almost knocked her down as I grabbed for a loaf.

“I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR THESE,” I practically shouted.

And I had. I’d been longing for a smaller loaf of bread for months—O and I never seem to get through a whole loaf before it goes bad. I even thought of calling or writing bread companies and telling them about my super idea. And then I spotted a billboard for the new Klosterman 1/2 loaves a few weeks back (Was someone was in my brain?). I was thrilled! But I had yet to find any of these 1/2 loaves in a store.

“So have I, I saw the billboard a few weeks back,” the mom said, as she backed away from me. (She saw the billboard, too!) “But that’s all they seem to have.”

I looked in my hand. I was holding a 1/2 loaf of Cincinnati Rye. I’m not even sure what Cincinnati Rye is, but I’m pretty sure I don’t like it. Ewwww. I dropped it back on the shelf.

“Well, I don’t want that,” I said. “Is that all they have?”

“I think so,” she said. But then she pointed to a display behind me. “Oh wait, there they are.”

“OH WOW. THANKS SO MUCH,” I said—a little too exuberantly—as I grabbed up a loaf. And that was the end of our conversation. We pushed our carts and went our separate ways.

I’m glad I’ve become something of a mommy stalker—this mommy stalking episode got me a cherished 1/2 loaf of Klosterman whole-wheat bread. But there’s lots more mommies to stalk out there—and lots more to learn. So watch out. You might just meet me in the grocery store or mall. I promise, I don’t bite.